Why labels have been 'attached' to parenting

Image thanks to 60 Minutes Australia

This really isn’t a topic that I want to get too heavily involved in… but I have an opinion and want to share it!

Last night 60 Minutes aired a story called On Demand , which was all about ‘attachment parenting’. Put simply, attachment parenting is basically where the parents respond immediately to the natural needs and demands of their child/children.

This includes feeding (breastfeeding more specifically) until the child is ready to be weaned off the boob and other things including co-sleeping (where the child sleeps in its parent’s bed at night so that they are in close physical contact at all times) and emotional contact (if they child cries it is immediately soothed so that they aren’t stressed or scared).

60 Minutes interviewed several mothers who practiced fulltime attachment parenting including several who were still breastfeeding their children at the age of four.

Now I have absolutely no issue with breastfeeding – that’s not my issue. I plan on breastfeeding and I am all for the nutritional and emotional benefits it gives the child. But I can’t help but feel that these parents, although doctors say they will probably raise more emotionally tuned-in kids, will also raise highly needy and dependent kids because they are choosing to give in to the wants of their children who are nearly at the age of starting school.

In the series The Slap on ABC, Melissa George’s character Rosie is an earth mother and attachment parent to her four-year-old son, Hugo. I will never forget the scene where the child runs up to his mother, wailing (because he did the wrong thing and was reprimanded by another adult) and basically pulls down her top and starts sucking because he is upset. No permission is asked, it is just assumed and his mother is happy to oblige much to the disgust of the other adults.

Now I am not debating that the role of a mother is to nurture her family - we were put on this planet to reproduce and it's a gift that I am happy to have been given.

But I think that when you’re a parent, it’s important that your child knows that you love them no matter what and that you go through certain means of showing and telling them this. Your child will grow up knowing how much they are loved because of how you show your affection for them – not because of how much time they have spent attached to your nipple.

I don’t think that mothers should be made to feel bad for not being able to be a full-time attachment parent and breastfeed on demand because they have to go back to work after six months to help support the family. Yes, some mothers have to put their kids into day care – shock horror!

I suppose that I should mention that I am not against attachment parenting at all - I am against the women who choose to put other mothers down because of their superior attitudes and 'I'm better than you' mentality that some mothers have adopted.  

Unfortunately you can’t have it all (be a fulltime attachment parent and be with your child 24/7 and also go back to a fulltime job) so now we have this division that has been created between attachment and non-attachment parents. Why can’t we just be called parents – mothers and fathers? Why has this war between mothers been created when we should really just be supporting each other for doing the best that we can?  

I love the fact that some mothers are able to stay at home with their children and immediately be there for them when they need to be fed or consoled – I would love to give up work forever and just focus on raising a family, but that’s not a reality for me and it’s not for a majority of other women out there as well.

The attachment parenting debate also focuses in on co-sleeping. The 60 Minutes story highlighted pros and cons for this – some parents are just lazy and can’t be bothered getting up to their child in the middle of the night. Other parents are so in-tuned with their baby that if the mother wakes, checks on her child and goes back to sleep, that the baby will often wake, realise they are in close contact with their mother and father, and immediately fall back to sleep without a whimper.

There are some mothers who also swear by self-soothing, where the child cries itself to sleep and gets itself over any issue it had. These mothers have been branded harsh and careless. I have a massive issue with this. The child isn’t loved any less just because it is teaching itself to calm down – it is just the parent’s choice to put their child into this particular routine and the child eventually adapts to it.

Above all, I feel like my husband summed it up best last night by stating that it has become more about the mother and her choices as a parent, and less about the actual baby. Why is the media focusing on driving a wedge between parents when they should be focusing on the good things mothers and fathers are achieving together?

This debate is not for everyone and I don’t have much more to say than this: I am sure each parent strives to be the best mother or father to their children that they can be, and in my book, that’s good enough.

Friend of foe - who knows?

Best friends can fight, but doing something intentionally hurtful is not the mark of a true friend.

When it comes to girls sticking by their friends, I am very loyal. Like Serena always forgives Blair after an almighty hair-pulling, name-calling, back-stabbing tirade, these besties are always there for one another.

This may not be an episode of Gossip Girl, but I can honestly say that over the years, I have got myself into fights with some of my closest friends and thanks to the bonds of sisterhood, all has been forgiven and forgotten. That is the mark of true friendship.

It’s funny when people come in and out of friendship ‘groups’ – I can honestly say that despite this, I’ve had the same friends for years – we have endured a lot together despite others trying to weaken our bond with jealousy or whatever petty agenda they might have had.

It’s the same with people ‘competing’ over a friend and trying to one-up someone. Who are you trying to impress? Are you just trying to satiate your own insecurities by sucking up to someone to prove to everyone else that you’re actually besties with them? Pathetic.

Is it something in our blood that girls have to one-up each other? Have better jobs, better cars, better looking boyfriends or husbands, nicer homes and hair cuts? I get that ladies tend to be like this with their frenemies, but with a friend? That’s a no-no. Jealously is an ugly thing after all and if we are friends, why are we competing?

So when something bad happens to a girlfriend at the hands of a supposed ‘friend’, it leaves me pretty gobsmacked. Do these sisterly bonds mean nothing?

One of my best friends was recently let down by someone she considered a friend in the worst imaginable way (I won’t go into details) and it has hurt her so much. The worst thing is, is that this isn’t the first time my friend has been affected by the actions of a girlfriend.

It makes me so incredibly infuriated that one friend would do something so heinous to another. Are girls so horrible and nasty that they take joy in bitching and backstabbing one of their own? Is that person so narcissistic and awful that their friend’s feelings never come into consideration?

We don’t have to agree with each other and see eye to eye on everything, but this is the reason why I love my friends – we are all different and have differing views on life and how to live it.

My mother taught me that I had to look after my friends and be there for them. I feel like I have always strived to do this and be the best friend I can be. Sometimes it’s hard – it’s give and take after all – but at the end of the day at least I know I did the best thing I could for my mate.

I guess on reflection, it’s a bit sad that girls still want to bring each other down, even their own friends.  Having attended school with a lot of my current friends, we have known each other for a long time. We are now nearing 30 and it saddens me that I still see girls who know not the value of a real friendship. If they did, their actions wouldn’t be so unforgivable and just plain hurtful.

The moral of the story is this – us girls need to stick together because in life, you need real friends you can always count on.

Bogus bellies create body image debate

A pregnant model (L) and a non-pregnant model with a prosthetic belly (R)

This week I heard a story about how some fashion houses are using non-pregnant women to model their maternity ware.

This means that fit, non-preggers women with not a hint of baby belly are donning prosthetic ones to give the illusion that they are expecting.

Mothers have hit back suggesting that these models offer unrealistic images for women to compare themselves with. Well, duh! Of course it’s unrealistic, because the model isn’t actually pregnant!

Under the media code of conduct for body image, fashion houses and advertisers don’t have to disclose whether or not a model is wearing a false pregnant belly, but they are required not to display unrealistic images.

Melbourne-based Soon Maternity features a slim, 26-year-old non-pregnant woman, as the face of its autumn/winter range.

A spokeswoman for Soon Maternity said the company preferred to use pregnant models, but they were not always around on the time and day it needed them. To me, this makes perfect sense and as a woman interested in starting a family soon, it doesn’t bother me whether or not a model really is pregnant or not – they are simply trying to show how a garment could look on a pregnant figure.

Let’s face it – every woman is different and carries herself differently from other pregnant women during pregnancy – some have a tiny bump that is invisible from behind and others blow up all over.

Sales and marketing manager for maternity brand Pea in a Pod, Nicky Birkill said she tried to use pregnant models wherever possible, but used non-pregnant women every couple of years. I am aware of a local maternity ware website that uses a model that is obviously non pregnant because she is eternally 6 months gone in the photos used on the site, getting no bigger from month to month.

Some fashion houses have spoken out saying that they only use pregnant models because the prosthetic bellies look awkward and don’t allow for the designer clothing to fit right.

A maternity spread as featured on themercury.com.au - do you think this model is pregnant? She is! 36 weeks to be exact!

Modelling agencies are now getting in on the act saying that they have plenty of pregnant women on their books and are peeved that non-pregnant models are being hired instead of the real deal.

Again, every pregnant body looks different – why can’t a woman retain an immaculate figure while she’s up the duff save a bump at the front? Again, my point is that each body is different. 

Parent Wellbeing founder and psychologist Jodie Benveniste has been quoted in the media stating that non-pregnant women would not necessarily represent the pregnant body and all the changes it went through during pregnancy, but don’t people looking at an ad get that? They understand that it is merely a representation of a pregnant body?

I myself don’t see what all the hoo-ha is but would love reader’s thoughts regarding the topic (especially if you’re pregnant). Do you have a massive issue with this?

Personality +

"Split Personality" by Steven Wilson

Over the weekend I read a really interesting column by Q Weekend senior feature writer Fances Whiting on the multiple personalities of her husband titled “How many men do you live with?”

She had names for each of his personas – the ‘hoverer’, the‘re-packer’, the ‘accuser’ and so on depending on her husband’s actions and how he reacts to certain situations.

This got me to thinking about my personalities – it’s easy to pick out those in others and be, you know, a bit critical, but I think sussing out your own personalities will help you to control them when they start showing signs of developing a mind of their own...

So here it goes…

THE STRESSER/MISS NEGATIVE

What I would probably call my most dominant personality, this girl always finds things to stress about. She is a very frustrating person to have around because she’s often on edge and snappy, which annoys her husband and people she works with. Even though she is aware that she is stressing, she finds it difficult to calm down often getting herself into anxious fits of destruction. She tends to dwell on the negative.

THE HEALTH GURU

This side of my personality likes to lecture people about being super healthy and maintaining a good level of fitness. She is interesting in holistic and organic cooking, nutrition and different forms of exercise and meditation, but at times, fails to practice what she preaches, occasionally stuffing her face with chips, chocolate or cheese (this often happens when her enemy the Stresser comes along). She likes to take loads of supplements and vitamins and this makes her feel glowing and full of health.

THE POSITIVE ONE

Paying almost daily visits, this girl helps bring confidence and clarity to things I really want in life. She focuses only on the positives and eliminates negative vibes, only looking forward to things that will bring happiness and light to potentially bad situations. She is the one who grasps on to dreams and things I want to achieve and with her optimism, helps to make dreams into reality.

THE WEEPY ONE

Unfortunately, there is a side of me that can pretty much cry on cue… and mean it. She is a cry baby who hates fighting and disagreements, will shed tears over sad stories on the news, beautiful stories about children or people who have fought through illness. She will get upset over seeing road kill, or stories she has heard about animal cruelty… She often cries over mistakes and things that have happened in the past and on the flip side, will cry happy tears over milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, achievements etc). She often needs to be reassured and can be highly sensitive.

MISS COMPETITIVE

She basically just wants to be better than everyone at everything.

Those are just a few – I am made up of several more (some I'd prefer to keep behind closed doors, such as a particular girl that comes out only in the bedroom for my husband) but I’d say those are the more dominant ones.

I’d say we should all go through this exercise of acknowledging our own multiple personalities before we start criticising those of others. Hey, it might just be the reality check you need.

To read Ms Whiting’s column in full go here:

http://www.couriermail.com.au/ipad/how-many-men-do-you-live-with/story-fn6ck8la-1226302514141

Digging myself out of a hole

Some days I feel like I get into a rut and I just can’t seem to get myself out of it.

Ruts suck. 

Whether it be writer’s block at work, a fight with my husband, anxiousness caused by a whole myriad of things – it’s very easy for me to get myself into a position where I am struggling to keep my head above water.

For instance this week has been one of those weeks where each day has been an uphill battle.

We had a massive weekend and as a result, I feel as though I’ve had a five-day hangover. In reality I actually have had a five-day hangover. It’s made me feel sick, tired, agitated, regretful and in pain (literally) which has just turned my mood to shit. It has affected my work, my relationships and changed my current view on life from cheery and optimistic to dull and crappy.

I find that when I am in a rut, old things I used to dwell on resurface and things I wish I’d never done seem to haunt me over and over.

So I’ve resolved to do a few things to help myself (to be precise, my mind and body) function a bit better and help enhance my mental state:

a)      flush out my system with green tea and chlorophyll extract

b)      eat as healthily as possible

c)      get tonnes of sleep

d)     start attending Pilates classes / exercise every day if I can manage it

e)      stop nit-picking over minor things other people do that piss me off

f)       breathe more deeply and calmingly

            g)      do things for others

I am hoping that, by this weekend, I will be back to my old self and out of the trenches.

Also, I love this Hemingway quote, which I think will help me on the straight and narrow: 

Women taking a 'leap' of faith this year

Now as there are only two days left of February (yes, two days, not one, as 2012 is a leap year) I would like to discuss the trend of women proposing to men when this occurrence happens once every four years.

According to Australian wedding website the knot.com.au women weren’t allowed to propose to men except on one day (February 29 on a leap year). 

The website says:

The tradition dates back hundreds of years, to when the leap year was not recognised by English law; the day was simply "leapt over" and ignored. Since it had no legal status, formal traditions did not apply on this day. Consequently, women who were not content to wait for a proposal took advantage of this anomaly and popped the question themselves. It was also thought that since leap year corrected the discrepancy between the calendar year (365 days) and the time it takes for the earth to complete one orbit of the sun (365 days and 6 hours), it was an opportunity for women to correct a tradition that was one-sided and unfair.

I love marriage proposals – mine was the most wonderful moment that I will cherish forever. When my husband got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife was honestly the happiest day of my life (apart from actually marrying him!).

In my head, there is just something a bit wrong about this picture if it were me down on bended knee.  

I am not a feminist or anything and I do believe that women, if they have enough balls to do it, have every right to ask their man to be their husband.

I’m just not one of those chicks.

The way I see it is this – women get the amazing experience of giving birth to children, so shouldn’t men get to do something awesomely special as well? The ladies can’t go hogging all the good stuff in life! 

Another thing is this, if he hasn’t asked you, he’s probably not ready for marriage – don’t think that beating him to the chase is going to do yourself any favours, because you might end up dejected and woefully embarrassed.

I just think that it’s up to the man to ask. I guess I am a bit of a romantic and I am a sucker for happily ever after stories, but there is something to be said for a man who loves a woman and just wants to make her his. I think that if I had asked my husband to marry me that he would probably felt just a little less masculine…

So, I’ll say this – it’s not for everyone, but if you’re a lady and wanting to take matters into your own hands – then good luck to you! I really hope it works out for you and that he says “yes!”.

Being positive. Because I choose to be.

Getting shitty at life is so easy.

I have found that thinking negative thoughts, becoming upset over spilt milk and always thinking the worst is a place where we, on occasion, find ourselves.

At times being a grumpy bum feels like the best option when you couldn’t be bothered trying to be upbeat – hey, if you’ve been by waves of disappointment, it’s hard to remain optimistic when you’re stuck in a rut.

Personally, I dwell on things. I try my hardest not to go back to these thoughts and think about something else, but certain things get a hold of me and I’ll find myself back in my little room of negativity, dwelling over what could have been, mistakes I’ve made and regrets I, regrettably, have.

Obviously I’m not divulging what these things are, but I can tell you that I’ve had enough of my own stupidity.

I am not sure why I choose to be this way, but from today onwards I am getting over it and moving on with my life in a positive way.

My dad gave me a beautiful book a few years ago by Dr Wayne Dyer called Being in Balance. It’s basically about the way you think and how you can take positive steps to change your thoughts, which in turn, change your life. It’s an amazing book.

This morning I read the most inspiring quote by Dr Dyer:

You can sit there forever, lamenting about how bad you've been, feeling guilty until you die, and not one tiny slice of that guilt will do anything to change a single thing in the past. Forgive yourself, then move on.

This is really what I needed to read – it sounds lame, but I think that I was meant to read this. The most important part of this quote is where it says “Forgive yourself, then move on.” I forgive others easily, but not myself, so that’s something I know I have to work on.

I want to be in a place of positivity – Lord knows that this year is going to be one of the biggest in mine and my husband’s life so I want to mentally prepare myself to be the best person I can be. I owe it to Ben and my family and friends and especially myself – if I allow them to, good things will happen.

With a lot of faith and most of all forgiveness, I feel like I’m heading in the right direction. I think it’s hard to admit you stuffed up, but it’s even harder to hang on to those thoughts and not let go of them.

Thanks for letting me indulge this little post – I hope that I’ve inspired others to let go of some negativity in their lives too.

 

I am not one to make a New Year resolution. I don't see the point - why do you need the excuse of a new year to do something good for yourself?

In my opinion, if you want to do something, or change something in your life to make it better, there is no time like the present, no matter what the date.

This year I intend on enjoying one day at a time. Last year taught me that you can never be prepared for loss or tragedy and that it's the special moments that you share with your loved ones that make your life memorable. I just want to make the most of those moments this year instead of being preoccupied with silly little things.

If you told yourself that on January 1st 2012 that you were going to give up smoking, lose weight, take up a course in something crazy, or find yourself a new hobby, then good for you. Seriously, I really hope it works out for you, because there is nothing more frustrating that trying to do something and failing.

I hope that everyone's 2012 is full of special moments and that in 12 months time, you can look back and reflect not on the things that you failed to achieve, but on the things that made your life better - you should try and find the positives in every day.

Happy 2012!

Perspective is everything

Last week my family and I were unfortunately guests at two funerals.

The first was for my 93-year-old Grana, who lived on the land and had a long and happy life.

The second was for my long-time neighbour and dear family friend Mike Stout, who sadly, passed away at only 56 after a long battle with cancer.

It’s a strange thing, I think, dealing with grief amidst all the joy and excitement that comes with Christmas. I feel like my emotions are giving me a massive battering – one minute I think about spending the holidays with my family and friends and I get a feeling of immense happiness, the next I am crying in the arms of my (incredibly) supportive husband about how life isn’t fair.

My friend Hayls wisely told me that amongst all the good that comes with this time of year, it’s the universe’s way of balancing the good with the bad and that unfortunately, bad things happen when there is good around.

It’s odd because last year at exactly the same time, just a week before Christmas, I had a negative turn of events whereby I found myself in hospital having surgery. Needless to say my Christmas last year was pretty lack-lustre and it looks like this year it will be a pretty sombre one too.

My husband told me though; it all comes down to perspective. While discussing life and our two loved ones that have now left us, we were talking about how their families would be coping and how they would move forward after such immense loss.

What I have learned out of this situation is, it’s not just about the quantity of life, it’s about the quality of life and the special moments that make life all the more special. On one hand my Grana lived a long life, but it was filled with such struggle and tragedy that only families who have lived on a farm or station know.

In her latter years, she got to enjoy the love and company of her family – grandchildren and great-grandchildren – so that once she passed her life was rich and full of happy memories.

Our friend Mike achieved so much in his short life – more in fact than many would ever achieve if they lived 30 or 40 years more. When I look at his amazing family and the legacy he left behind, it is hard to comprehend how someone achieved so much. He really did want to bring out the best in people and people wanted to better themselves because of him.

I guess that perspective really does teach you to look for the good in every situation – to find a positive in every day, no matter what (something my Dad tells me often).

The perspective that I have gained in the past two weeks is that time really doesn’t stop for anything or anyone and that we are constantly moving forward.

Things do happen at inopportune times, but you can’t plan these things. I can only hope that my family and friends who are going through these tough times after suffering loss, can gain a renewed perspective of life in the hope that it will help them on this emotional journey.

Tick-tock the life clock

Time is a precious thing for me and its speed is made more and more apparent as I look back at things I thought seemed so far away when I was a child.

For instance, when I was little, the thought of finishing school seemed like a never-ending journey. I think it was around the time I graduated from Year 7 that I thought “oh great, only another five years of school to go”. How I wish I could go back and cherish the simple things that I took for granted all those years ago.

I also vividly remember thinking that I would never own a car or a house (let alone a mortgage) because you needed to be super rich to have those things. And having a baby was just mind boggling… Those were all things that you did when you were a grown up!

Now I’m nearly 30 years old and these things are my reality – all the things I never thought I would have, all the stresses I saw my parents having to deal with are now mine, too.

All the responsibilities I never thought I would have, I have now. All the time I was at school studying hard and playing sport with my friends and going to the movies on weekends – life was so carefree and simple. It’s those times that I look back on and think about how those really were some of the happiest days of my life.

It’s funny looking through the eyes of your adolescent self – everything is so much bigger (literally) and scary (also, literally!) but at least back then, time was on your side. I was able to make mistakes and learn from them, I had the luxury of changing my mind (again and again) because I was in no rush to make my mind up. I could do stupid things and be young enough to get away with it… 

I am someone who gets excited by the future no matter how scary it once seemed – I love thinking about what’s in store.

But it’s as though now that I am deemed old enough to have my s*it together the pressure is on to make decisions, have a career, start a family, and carve out a life for myself and my husband… I no longer have the luxury of taking my time because people expect that by 30, your life should have a clear direction of where it is headed. I feel like I know what I want - but then how do you ever really know?

I can only hope that the direction I am heading in is a positive one – I’ll never forget the feeling of being over-awed about how hard it must be to be a “grown up” but at least I had time to figure out how to be one… where did all those years go?

The Art of being HAPPY

Over the weekend, the Courier Mail featured a section in their Q Magazine titled ‘Laughter Lines’ – asking Queenslanders what makes them happy.

The questionnaire received responses from a range of people from all walks of life – ex-sporting greats, homeless people, chief legal professionals, musicians, students, charity directors, and every day residents.

Their answers were sometimes obvious – spending time with family and friends being the major one, but I liked the little specific things that people got much happiness from, like sipping a cup of tea in bed, sinking a putt, a cold beer at the end of the week and (this one is my favourite) watching the Queensland Maroons win at State of Origin time.

I thought about what made me happy, and this is what I’ve come up with:

-Being completely at ease with the world and having nothing to worry about (when I am not stressing about life!)

-Knowing that I have the unconditional love of my family, and that I can give the same in return.
-The crazy, 24-hour devoted love that is given to me by my beloved Cocker Spaniel, Charlie – I believe animals are the cure for even the worst of bad moods.
-Being able to cook for the people I love warms my heart and offers me a therapeutic outlet to express myself through food.
-Waking up and seeing a cloudless, spectacular sky and be thankful for the life and family I was born in to.
-Sharing a beautiful bottle of wine and dining with my wonderful husband in an amazing restaurant.
-Being superfluous with my language and making the most out of adjectives (see above point! Haha!)
-Singing aloud when there is no one at home and thinking to myself that I sound better than most contestants on Australia Idol…
-Being on the water and boating – a lifestyle that I grew up with and would love to give to my children one day.
-Going for a run in the fresh air.
-The excitement of overseas travel and the thought of the unknown, which I want to explore further.
-Having a good book to snuggle down on the couch with and just read for hours.
-Looking through photos from past events and reminiscing about the time that has already flown by.
-My future – one thing I realised is that I have so much to look forward to in life and my future and spending it with my wonderful family and friends makes me the happiest person right now, despite what adversities have featured in my past.

 I think whatever thing makes you happy, hold on to it because life can change in an instant and we all deserve a little happiness, no matter how big or small, or who we are.

“I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness. That is clear. Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, we all are seeking something better in life. So, I think, the very motion of our life is towards happiness…” Dalai Lama

Work it

I think one of the hardest questions you can ask someone when you are at school is “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

While I was growing up and attending primary school, I always thought I would live on the Gold Coast, be a Marine Biologist (because I was obsessed with Whales and Dolphins) and get married and start a family.

Not much has changed really, apart from the career part.

As I grew up and became aware of what my dad did for his job as a journalist and public relations consultant, I thought that sounded really exciting (I always thought that the role of a journalist was called an ‘accountant’ – my mum corrected me when I was in Grade 3 after she heard me tell a teacher my dad was an accountant and that his job was to write stories for the newspaper…) I was only 8 okay!

So after graduating high school and University and becoming a journalist and public relations consultant myself, I’m now finding that I am thinking about other careers that I would take up as an adult.

I like being creative while I work and for someone like me it’s a must if I am going to enjoy what I do and get paid for it. So I really think I’d like to try out interior design or decorating of some kind… or maybe become a cook ala Maggie Beer. I like photography too – maybe I could combine that with cooking and be a food photographer?

I am definitely not adverse to going back to Uni or TAFE and adding a few more courses to my belt, but now it comes down to time and money… two commodities we seem to have very little of these days (thanks mainly to our beautiful new home of which construction is due to start soon).

I guess when our teachers in Grade 12 were encouraging us to make QTAC selections I never really thought about things that I would grow to enjoy and one day want to make a career of. You just decide what you think you would be ‘best at’ at that time.

This all comes on the back of a report that was released today stating that nearly 8 million Australians don’t have the basic reading, writing or numeracy skills to undertake training for trade or professional jobs. I was completely shocked to hear this… considering our population is nearly 22 million, this means nearly a third of all Aussies are losing out to jobs to international competition because they can’t read, write or do basic mathematical equations.

It sounds bleak, but I figure that if you stick to what you know and have a special knack for, your flair will shine through… even if you can’t work out what 7 x 12 equals, you can still be happy, just like Homer Simpson.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

I think it’s super hard to try and please everyone. I mean, I think you could literally have a nervous breakdown if you were one of those people who just tried to keep everyone happy all the time.

As much as I’d like to be able to achieve this, I am not this person.

Unfortunately some of the things I say/do sometimes don’t go down well with people; but you know what – that’s just A-OK with me.

I am reading this novel at the moment and a character in it is torn about her wedding – her rich fiancé’s mother has offered to throw a lavish affair overseas with all the trimmings, but her parents want her to get married in her home-town chapel with a BBQ and marquee in the backyard.

She can’t decide what to do because she doesn’t want to upset either family, so what does she do? She has two weddings just to keep the peace.

This may be going a tad over the top, I mean you have to give yourself some boundaries don’t you? You have to be able to step in at some point and let someone down, nicely of course.

It got me thinking about how we try and keep other people happy – our boss, our family and friends, our bank managers… I don’t like to ‘rock the boat’ so to speak and I’m lucky that I can be open and honest with my family and friends, but I know what it’s like trying to please someone just to avoid confrontation.

I used to work for this scary-ass lady (I will refer to her as ‘Melanie’ in this blog and I won’t mention where I worked at the time) who was never satisfied.

I pride myself on my work and consider myself to be a pretty conscientious and driven person; but no matter what me or the other staff working at this establishment did, it was not good enough… even if we achieved all our collective goals.

I got to the point (this was just before I left the company) where I think I even lied about a big sale I had made just to avoid getting berated by this woman.

The same thing goes for touchy friend subjects. I know a girl who is too petrified to bring up an issue with another friend for fear that she will dissolve the friendship completely. I told her that the other girl wouldn’t be a real friend if she didn’t understand, but alas, the issue will probably remained bottled up in my other friend’s mind forever.

I don’t get this – you can’t live your life on everyone else’s terms – live it on your terms and if you are unhappy about something or you feel like you’re conforming to unrealistic expectations, do something about it.

There is nothing worse that living an unhappy life, where you wake up with that overall feeling of dread. Lighten the load a bit and accept that sometimes, you just can’t make everyone happy.

Reassurance in words

Did you ever hear a story, watch a movie or read something that really just makes you think about what you want in life? That inspires you to chase down your dreams and make a change for the better?

As it happens, such a thing has happened to me. I have just finished reading the wonderfully written Eat Pray Love – the tale of Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote the book after pretty much going through the lowest time in her life, making a change, and starting again from square one.

All I can say is that after putting the book down, I knew I was meant to read it. I know it sounds silly because millions of people have read it and empathised with Liz as she struggled to find herself through adversity… but it struck a chord with me so strong I feel like there was some higher power guiding me through the library to the little shelf where the tatty book sat.

Liz Gilbert’s tale about life starts in New York and flows through Italy, India and finally finishes (or you could say, begins) in Indonesia – more specifically, Bali (where my husband and I went for our honeymoon). I laughed, cried, sympathised and at times, envied her for getting through the tough times with such grace and finally, understanding and acceptance for her position in the world.

Lately I have been struggling with a few personal issues (lets call them hiccups) that have seemed to have caused me more torment that what I thought they would. Basically, I thought I was stronger than what I actually am and haven’t been dealing very well…

I really do feel though, after reading this book that it has helped put some more perspective into my life and I’ve made the decision to make some (minor) changes that I hope will make a bigger difference. I guess you could say that it’s kind of given me that final push I needed to make moves to do something about my situation.

Before people start making assumptions I really am okay – you know when a few issues just get you down and instead of keeping a level head, you kind of lose your shit a bit and start drowning in knee-high water? That’s me at the moment. I just need to change the way I look at things and put my thoughts into more organised categories.

I’ve also learnt from Liz that it is important to forgive yourself in order to move forward and as I’m writing this, I’m smiling as if my emotions are my conviction that I know I’m on the right path.

For those of you have haven’t read Eat Pray Love and without going into the synopsis, I would simply say go and read it. Even if you’re not a book reader and find reading wanky; just give it a go. It might change your life for the better.

PS: I am not giving you permission to just go and get the movie – it in no way begins to even scratch the surface of this amazing story.

Being a good friend is hard sometimes...

It’s really hard when you have a friend make decisions that you don’t think is in their best interest; to say something and confront it has got to be a seriously hard thing to do.

In a round-about kind of way of explaining what I’m talking about, what do you do if you don’t agree with the decisions this person is making? What if you have a gut feeling that they are doomed and want to talk to them about it; is it really your place to or should you just not go there?

I know it sounds overly dramatic, but this is the pickle I have found myself in. I have had to contemplate having awkward conversations with a couple of friends lately and am not sure what approach to take... there are so many factors.
If only we could be telepathic and send warnings or messages to our loved ones that would send them down a safer path. Nothing like “hey, don’t go for that person, they’re not good for you” kind of obvious message, just subtle little hints that make them think twice.

We recently had a good friend move to London indefinitely, giving his family and friends just over one week’s notice and basically dropping all of his responsibilities to run away to an imaginary degree/job/life…. (he has high aspirations for himself and didn’t think he could achieve any of his dreams while living in Australia).

We couldn’t really say “you’ve got no concrete plans, no money, and no-one to support you over there” so we just wished him well in the hopes that he will figure his life out while living there (I would have chosen a cheaper place to run away to than London to have a quarter-life-crisis, but that’s just me!).
So I guess that while writing this, I’ve realised that it’s probably best to just be a supportive friend and hope that they are happy with the decisions they make in life. You can’t tell people what to do/say/date/live/work etc, and I’m not trying to force anything on the people I care about – I just wish that sometimes they’d open their eyes and bit a bit wiser to what is going on around them.

I will adopt the new mantra – if you’re happy, then I’m happy – to all my friends from now on. I guess that’s all you can do, right?

Baby Bloom - the pregnancy debate

Today I found out the happy news that Miranda Kerr and her new husband Orlando Bloom finally decided on a name for their new baby son, Flynn, who was born on January 6.

In a statement on the model’s website today, Miranda said:

"On the 6th of January I gave birth to our beautiful little son Flynn. We cherish him. He weighed 9lb 12 ounces (4.42kg) (a very healthy and big baby boy).

"I gave birth to him naturally; without drugs or painkillers and it was a long, arduous and difficult labour, but Orlando was with me the whole time supporting and guiding me through it.

"I could not have done it without him. We are so happy and are enjoying our time together as a family. He is our little ray of sunshine," she wrote.

It’s all very exciting and I am happy for the two of them, but I am just a bit concerned by the comments made by Miranda.

The comments I am referring to in particular are “I gave birth to him naturally; without drugs or painkillers…”. Now that’s all well and good for you Miranda, that you were strong enough to do that, but seriously, do you want a medal?

Ask the question – how many women out there go into labour with the intention of giving birth naturally without the use of drugs or painkillers and in the end, have used painkillers or had to have a c-section due to unforseen circumstances relating to the birth?

These women aren’t lesser beings – if I were giving birth to 9lb child I would want the option of an epidural – but mums-to-be and new mothers shouldn’t feel guilty for taking that road just because a beautiful Aussie model was able to do it au-natural and then post some slightly smug comments on her blog about it.

I know Miranda Kerr is all about an organic lifestyle and practicing Yoga and eating holistically – and I admire that. But in the real world, many new mothers aren’t like this for various reasons. Hell I am sure that I would rather have the option of popping a couple of Neurofen Plus and enjoying a strong cup of (caffeinated) tea than worrying about taking painkillers and being fully organic as a first-time mum. 

I don’t think that if you have decided to use drugs during the birth or have a caesarean that you should be judged – it’s your body and you can make decisions for yourself. There is no right way or wrong way of doing things.

Don’t worry what multi-million dollar model mums are doing and if you have a happy and healthy baby – what more could you ask for really?

Dare to dream

As I have grown up, I’ve had to learn to accept that sometimes things don’t always work out just as you thought they would and that sometimes it’s for the best.

I am a pretty stubborn person by nature and tend to be idealistic; I grew up being told that I could be anything and do anything I wanted if I dreamed big enough. And I really did believe that.

Well to be honest, that’s both true and false. I believe you can do anything you want, but it’s not as simple as just believing it – you have to work your butt off to get what you want and that often means making sacrifices along the way.

I’ve learned that part now that I’m older, but despite what you might think, it’s not a negative thing. The sacrifices I have made in order to find happiness have been some of the best decisions I’ve made.

We set goals and standards in our lives to which we want to live. Whether it be a dream career, personal appearance, friendship circles, living situations, finances, accomplishments, relationships – we put a label on each of these and have certain expectations that go along with them. We write ourselves a list of what we want from each of these and then set out to achieve them.

I guess before you become an adult and see the world for what it really is; it’s easy to get lost in what your future could be when you start to dream.

When you’re little you’re allowed to say that you could be an astronaut, doctor, ballerina, or Olympic gold medallist – no one tells you how hard it actually is to be any of these…

Since I was little I always wanted to be involved in the entertainment industry as an actress. Growing up I really enjoyed participating in theatre and musicals, and I’ve appeared in television commercials and in print modelling advertorial campaigns. I still really enjoy entertaining that dream, but I recognise now that there are other things I want even more.

I know some people say they are scared to dream for fear of rejection or failure – but you shouldn’t sell yourself short. On my way to figuring out my goals, my life has taken a different track to what I thought it would, and even though the original things I set out to achieve fell by the wayside, I am glad for the diversion. The decisions I’ve made have helped me to find amazing love and led me to a place where I can be with the most incredible people – my family and friends.

I guess that I have come to a point in my life where I am ready to let some things go in order to move forward and have a truly amazing relationship with the life I have now. I will always be ambitious to achieve the things I want, but now the things I desire mean much more to me than being centre stage in the spotlight.

So I am still going to dream big, but I’m not going to let myself stray off the path and forget what is most important at the core of things. As Dr Wayne Dyer said “There is a voice in the Universe urging us to remember our purpose for being on this great Earth. This is the voice of inspiration, which is within each and every one of us.”
Find your own purpose for being here – remember we only live once, so make the most of it.

Travel or Baby?

One thing I’ve found about getting engaged and (shortly) married is that more people have been asking ‘when are you going to start a family?’

Having children is something we want to do, but the more people question us, the more we really have to think harder about the answer.

The thing is, we want to do some travelling together and enjoy the time we have for the two of us before we add to our little family. Lots of our friends have travelled and now as we see more of them leave to start new and exciting adventures, we don’t want to be left behind.

Similarly, more of our friends are getting married and starting a family. They didn’t want to wait to have children and now as we are invited to baby showers and christenings; it raises the topic of discussion about our own future kids.

So I guess we want to travel, but we also want kids. I know there are chances to travel after your children have grown up and are capable of fending for themselves, but we feel like some things are better experienced while young blood still runs through our veins.

It still won’t stop me getting all clucky when I walk into a gorgeous baby store and coo over the tiny booties, cardigans and all-in-ones that I would adore to dress my little boy or girl in.

I know that a woman’s biological clock really starts slowing down after 30, so I’ve got a good couple of years up my sleeve before we start thinking about getting pregnant… so between now and then I don’t think it’s so wrong to be a tiny bit selfish and indulge ourselves before the inevitable nappy changes and early morning feeding sessions start?

We know a handful of people that happily lead child-free lives and have great jobs and the money to travel wherever they like. But that’s their choice and we are happy for them. I guess it’s just a personal thing and I don’t feel like we have to justify our decision either way to anyone.

I’m interested in hearing about your stories – did you wait to have kids for the same reason and then struggle to get pregnant thinking it would be easy? Or did you have kids straight away and now that they’re grown up, you have much more time to travel with friends?

I know it’s a very exciting thing – the prospect of starting a family. But I still feel like a spring chicken myself and I want to make the most of that feeling while I still have it, with my new husband.

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